Last week, before the Oval Test, if you had asked me if I would be the England captain in the West Indies this winter, I would have probably said no. But things change, and so do I. I have never thought of myself as being stubborn - though it was probably stubborn of me never to think that I'm stubborn.
The Oval was a sweetener, of course. If it had been a 4-1 scoreline, the outcome of my decision might well have been different. But it was one of those times when every gamble paid off, and I felt happy and in control. But then - perhaps being stubborn again - I have always had confidence in my tactical feel on the field.
Actually, in the 40-odd Tests I've captained, there have not been many instances when we have got to the final innings with England in the field and the captain having to control a game in the balance. One instance was against West Indies at Lord's when they needed 240 on the last day with nine wickets in hand. My second Test in charge, again at the Oval against Australia, was another.
This time the key was that Phil Tufnell and Andy Caddick bowled brlliantly, which really put the pressure on the Australians. Even players like Steve Waugh, who is known as the best batsman in the world, feel the pressure when there are no four-balls on offer and the pitch is doing a bit.
When a fielding side have a small amount of time or a small target to defend, everything becomes intensified. The ideal would be for England to go out and bowl and field like that all the time, but it might not be sustainable. What is sustainable is a never-say-die attitude and unremitting pressure from bowlers and fielders, not just two bowlers, as happened last Saturday afternoon.
In any event, last Monday I played golf at Sunningdale with Mark Nicholas, Ian Botham and Barry Richards, which was an entertaining four-ball. We didn't really talk cricket; it was a nice day to get away.
On Tuesday I went down to Devon for a couple of days with the girlfriend and pottered about there, and played a bit of golf again. There were some obvious questions I had to ask: whether I'd had enough, whether I had the desire to carry on, whether my batting could return to its best while I was captain.
In the second half of this summer my batting hasn't been right mentally; more so than technically. Getting out in the second innings at the Oval to Michael Kasprowicz was one example. You shouldn't be looking to drive an outswinger on the up through the covers: that is a basic cricket error which is not a technical thing. I could only put it down to mental tiredness, or pressure, or captaincy, or a lack of confidence due to a lack of runs, or a combination of many things. Normally I would have blocked that ball or left it. When I play my best, my mind is thinking of nothing except the ball.
Another factor was the timing of the winter tour. If the series in the West Indies had been in October, I might have reached a very different decision. But I know I am going to be well rested and refreshed by January, which can only increase the desire to lead. I will have had some time away from cricket and the chance to get fitter. Physically, over the last year or two, I've suffered a bit.
But the biggest consideration is not wanting to leave the job half-finished or incomplete. I know the desire will be there in January. It's a gut instinct. You just know it. Or rather I'm the only one who knows it.
So when I got back to London on Thursday, I went to see David Graveney, to ascertain whether the selectors still wanted me to do the job. That evening I spoke to David Lloyd to find out what he thought, and Lord MacLaurin phoned.
And, most importantly, the easy way out is just to give it away. 'Take the road less travelled', or whatever the poem is; that is always the more challenging route. Those Robert Frost lines are often in my thoughts. And so I made the decision to carry on.
The next challenge is to help England play consistently. You can talk about the background the players come from and the county structure, but that's not going to change in the foreseeable future. What England can do in the winter is be a unit, practising together at Old Trafford, training together at Lanzarote, going off to Lahore and Sharjah then the West Indies. We will be virtually a county team for the whole winter and I think that is the best environment in which to instil the right discipline.
We now have the basic surroundings - the selection, administration, management and coaching - to give our players the best chance of success.
In this country cricket sometimes suffers from the Brearley-Botham effect. People expect the captain and players to turn in miracle performances like in 1981, when England all of a sudden went from no-hopers to world-beaters. They forget how poorly the team were functioning, for all their world-class players, before Botham went on his merry way and had a slap round the park. The ideal is to get the team functioning fully and for the captain to tell the players their role and how he expects them to play. But to inspire performances from them? I don't know.
Certainly the West Indies produce the best spirit in a touring party of any country I have been to. It is a nice place and cricket means more to their people than anywhere else, and this transmits itself to you. In the West Indies you are looking for players with character and heart, who aren't fazed when the net facilities aren't great, though with the wickets getting slightly slower and lower I don't think there will be the 'chin music' of the past.
After the Test series in the West Indies, what I would like to do is stand and fall by my performances as a batsman in the one-day games. I've got a pretty good record against West Indies in one-day internationals as I use the pace of the ball. Beyond that we will have to wait and see to what happens along 'the road less travelled'.