For them to claim that they've outplayed us is truly astounding. This has been our easiest series. We've spent most of our time playing in the sub-continent, where even Australia and South Africa get beaten. What happened to England the last time they were India and Sri Lanka. Four-nil wasn't it? - Zimbabwe captain Alistair Campbell's reply to England claims that they had the better of the two drawn Test matches.

He must take much of the blame for England's unbelievable failure. His lack-lustre, unimaginative captaincy, along with some awful bowling, lay at the heart of another alarming tour debacle - Ray Illingworth, recently retired as chairman of selectors, on Mike Atherton's role in England's failure to beat New Zealand.

In 1996-97 the national team reached a point where even the good days were bad. At the World Cup the England squad resembled a bad-tempered grandmother attending a teenage rave - Wisden editor Matthew Engel criticising the state of English cricket in his review of the year.

I love this ground, but I did have to ask how to get to the pitch from the dressing room - Ben Hollioake, who scored an impressive 63 to help England beat Australia on his first visit to Lord's.

Where's the nearest classical record shop? I need some soothing music - Australian coach Geoff Marsh after a first day of the Ashes series on which his side were bowled out for 118 and England advanced to 200 for the loss of three wickets.

I hope any gesture by Shane will not be misinterpreted Australian tour manager Alan Crompton after leg-spinner Shane Warne's one-fingered salute Old Trafford crowd after the third Test.

I think it will still be run along the same lines, with Mike being a very big player for us. Literally - Mark Ramprakash, the new Middlesex captain, sees a sizeable role for his predecessor Mike Gatting.

We're Essex, not Hampshire. We drink beer, unfortunately Nasser Hussain, the Essex captain, tells David Gower, BBC commentator, former England and Hampshire batsman, and champagne enthusiast, why they would be foregoing the bubbly after the NatWest Trophy semi-final win against Glamorgan.

I know why he's bought a house by the sea so he'll be able to go for a morning walk on the water - Fred Trueman on Geoff Boycott's decision to leave Yorkshire for Dorset.

You can go back to the pavilion and deflate yourself, you balloon - South African batsman and part-time spinner Darryl Cullinan to Shane Warne after trapping him lbw at Sydney Cricket Ground. The Australian once said he would like to bowl at Cullinan for a living.