WE SLEAZY tabloid writers must be losing our touch. It has come to a pretty poor state when the most unpopular members of the travelling press in Zimbabwe are the men who use long words and dictionaries. Last weekend, I managed to grab a piece of the action with a story about the one and only Ian Botham, which appeared in the News Of The World.
Don't let the extravagant headlines and provocative language of the country's biggest-selling Sunday newspaper distract you. That's just our way of attracting your attention.
We do not and cannot hide the real story in paragraph 28 with a nudge and a wink: ``Oh, by the way, the England team's bowling adviser, Mr Ian Terrence Botham, feels that perhaps lines of communication within the touring management could be slightly improved.''
Our story is in the headline and first paragraph, which is why last weekend's News Of The World featured the headline ``Both Fury'' and revealed that an angry Botham had been involved in a bust-up with David Lloyd and was livid about not being consulted over selection for the second Test against Zimbabwe.
Fact: Botham was not consulted over England's bowling attack in the second Test.
Fact: Botham wants his role as bowling adviser more clearly defined.
Fact: Botham believes England should have a football-type manager who is in sole charge.
Fact: Botham would give up all his other commitments to do that job if the terms were right.
As the messenger, I have taken some stick this week. Hopefully, though, the message has got through.
The only really worrying moment came when Botham declared he wanted to have a drink with me. Now that is a dangerous game to play.
THE tabloids play a different game from the broadsheets, as different as Test cricket is from a one-day international. We are the sloggers. Crash, bang, wallop. Light the blue touchpaper and retreat.
Similarly, the daily journalist has a different role from the Sunday men. The daily reacts, the Sunday has to gaze ahead and work out what the story will be in three or four days' time. Miss a big story on a daily and you can catch up tomorrow. Miss it on a Sunday and it's gone. No prizes for coming second.
We are often called ``hit and run'' men. This is my 10th major England tour and I don't think I would be worth tuppence to my paper if I did not have the trust of the players after all that time. The others I don't bother about.
There is another thing. Our coverage is about personalities, not issues. Beefy, Goochie, Illy, Bumble, Athers and Corky interest our readers, not whether the touring side can choose a Reader or a Duke ball.
We are not scared about taking sides, either. It's not going to break my heart if I am taken off the new England Cricket Board's Christmas-card list.
I know that some of the Lord's hierarchy don't feel Botham should be anywhere near the England Test team, despite the fact that the legendary all-rounder has almost single-handedly kept them in business. I believe they are wrong. Botham has been an extremely conscientious figure on this tour.
The tabloid press have long been held responsible for much more than the perilous state of English cricket. The very fabric of life has supposedly been undermined by those who poke and joke at British institutions.
IMAGE is everything and we are socially unacceptable. That's why it is the practice to ridicule a tabloid story, especially when it is true.
A few years ago, I revealed in the News Of The World that Mike Gatting had been vetoed by Lord's as England captain. It came as no surprise to me when credit was given for breaking that story to The Times in the following year's Wisden.
In a recent article, Michael Atherton described how he was introduced to his girlfriend, Isabelle, by Robin Smith in a Georgetown jazz bar. Not true. It was me. I asked Athers how he could forget such a monumental moment in his life. ``I didn't,'' England's captain confessed, ``But it wouldn't have looked good if I'd said the man from the News Of The World had been responsible.'' C'est la vie.
It's easy to dismiss the tabloids. Fish and chip paper. ``Well, you don't expect to believe anything you read in that paper do you?'' That's how England tour manager Peter Lush reacted in Australia during the 1990-91 tour when I wrote that he was quitting. He never actually answered the question about his future and he never managed England again.
I am not here to protect the game, and give column inches to cricket administrators who have led England up the wrong valley over the past decade. You can say what a great bloke A C Smith is all you like, but, sorry, as the Test and County Cricket Board's chief executive, he was a disaster.
I asked The Daily Telegraph's respected cricketing correspondent during the West Indies tour in 1994 why a certain former player was about to be promoted to the corridors of power at Lord's. ``He is a nice man and very enthusiastic,'' was the answer.
He has since become a member of England's new management structure. No wonder English cricket is at rock bottom.
Welcome Lord MacLaurin. It is interesting to note that both broadsheets and tabloids are backing him at present. I can tell you who will knife him first when he starts dismantling cricket's cosy cartel. What is the first thing that happens when a failed business brings in a new man at the top? He throws out the old management team. So far, only A C has departed.
That's another issue. My readers do not give a full toss about MacLaurin, uncovered wickets or the number of bouncers in an over.
Like Botham, my readers want England to win Test matches and not be humiliated as they have been in the past four Ashes series and here in Zimbabwe on Wednesday.