THIS very day a cricket team I founded because no other would select me celebrates 25 years of ``relentless success'' as it is put on the silver anniversary dinner menu. This success has more often than not been social rather than sporting, but relentless is not too wide of the mark if off-the-field aspects of Heartaches CC are taken into con sideration.

Twenty-five years ... Edward Heath and Donny Osmond dominated their respective worlds when it all began. What happened? Where did we go right?

On July 8, 1973, I scored seven in Heartaches' inaugural fixture against Bill Heath's Gentlemen (who are thereby another team celebrating 25 years existence today) and after a further 388 matches since then, boast a career average of 7.02. This is consistency bordering on the ostentatious.

Heartaches lost that first encounter by one wicket and there has never been a time when total victories have outnumbered de feats, but in the nineties our record stands at 51-38 in our favour, mainly because we are getting better at draws. We are disdainful of the new-fangled limited-over game.

The team have never been a celebrity side. I am often asked to bring my all-star team to some remote part of the country in aid of some worthy cause or other, and am always obliged to reply that most of my players have never even heard of each other and would be of minimal value to the most desperate concern. This is the way I like it -there are plenty of highly enjoyable charity matches on offer throughout the season should I wish to face the pace of a recently retired international or the less challenging offerings of, say, Richard Stilgoe. It is generally far more relaxing to play with friends who have no CD about to be released or show about to be launched, and who never saw Heathcliff.

Twenty-five years on, I am beginning to entertain arrogant hopes of the side outliving me and for this reason have made a conscious effort to bring a new generation of players into the ranks.

Although many of our regular opponents have aged as much as we have, it is, to put it mildly, a big plus to have one or two callow youths haring to all parts in the deep while more mature performers lounge around in the slips.

Our veteran wicketkeeper, Harold Caplan, has loyally remained 11 years older than his captain since the early days of the club, and as long as Harold is still prepared to crouch boldly behind the stumps (whether wicketkeeping or batting) many of us know we still have at least a decade's play ahead of us.

We have travelled the country, and even other continents. We emerged from South Africa with more wins than losses yet failed to notch up even one victory in North Carolina. Our most recent tour, our 19th of Cornwall, ended with honours even. We collapsed against Manaccan and fought Croft-Fraser-like against Trengilly Wartha. But results last week were overshadowed by an incident that rocked the club to its core.

Who would be the manager of a cricket tour, let alone captain, selector and travel agent to boot? How could a tightly-knit band of players and friends find themselves embroiled in controversy and aggro during three days of innocent cricketing pursuit?

Yet it happened. Suddenly, the pressures that crowd in upon a manager of an international side in a foreign country for three months are put into terrifying perspective when a trivial social tour can be rent from prow to stern by an umpirical dispute.

The Heartaches short-leg fieldsman thought he had made a fair catch; the Manaccan opening batsman walked immediately. No appeal was needed. Suddenly, a booming cry from the umpire at the bowler's end (our man) - ``not out''.

The arbiter was the only man on the field who believed the ball had hit the ground, not short leg's eager fingers. The batsman firmly and graciously refused to resume his innings, the umpire quoted Law 27 (sub-section 5) which states that the umpire ``shall intervene if satisfied that a batsman, not having been given out, has left his wicket under a misapprehension that he has been dismissed''. But still the Manaccan batsman declined to return.

The question now was whether the Heartaches bowler and fielder could claim credit for the dismissal, or whether the batsman was recorded as retired. This affects career averages and a letter may need to be sent to Lord's to obtain final arbitration, as Bill Heath's Gentlemen had the nerve to do back in 1982, challenging our view that they had drawn, not won, a grudge fixture. In vain did many search for another sub-section to Law 27 that stated ``the umpire is a pillock''.

BUT all acrimony will disappear as we gather this evening to celebrate our silver anniversary. This will take place in the company of many of our distinguished presidents over the years - Tony Lewis, Tom Graveney, Allan Lamb, David Gower, Chris Cowdrey and Mark Nicholas, many of whom were aware that they held the post.

To write about my own team in this way is undoubtedly self-indulgent but I crave forgiveness, if only because I can honestly say that to have kept Heartaches CC going for a quarter of a century is something that means just as much to me as a first night or a hit record - and will mean even more if I can get my average up to eight in the next 25 years. I promise not to report back until 2023.