For one thing, they dress differently. They don't wear ties so how could the stewards allow them in the pavilion? Do we really want high heels to tread where Ranji once walked? Then there is the matter of toilet arrangements. If Thomas Lord had wanted women in his ground he would have made the plumbing different. Similarly, if the Good Lord had wanted women to share everything with men he would have designed them so they could use a stall.
Women members will demand pot pourri and knick-knacks in their lavatories. Before long Lord's will smell like Mata Hari's boudoir. What is more we can only imagine what the pavilion will look like with frilly curtains at the windows and a chintzy feel to the Long Room. Enough is enough. I am sure I speak for the majority when I say it will be a sad day for democracy if we allow a bunch of trendy politicians and windy administrators to bully us into changing our minds. Two further points bearing on the debate. Firstly, it has taken 211 years for MCC members to become as they are. How can women be expected to catch up? Second, I asked my lady wife, the fragrant Mary, my companion for the past 38 years, if she would want to become a member of MCC. ``What and sit next to you? Not likely,'' she replied. There you have it.
The fact is if you asked the average MCC member if he would rather make love to Kim Basinger or watch Gus Fraser bowl there is no doubt the game would win unless it could be arranged to do both at the same time.
On the other hand, if you asked the average woman if she would rather have an affair with Brad Pitt or watch Graham Thorpe bat there is no doubt cricket would come off second best. That's the difference and it makes MCC's questionnaire unnecessary.
The only sporting survey required nowadays is one which deals with the effect of Viagra on the middle-aged sports lover, particularly golfers. Why doesn't the Royal and Ancient circulate golfers, asking the question on everyone's lips: if you were given a choice between a pill to cure impotence and one to get rid of the yips, which would you choose?