by Diana Ching
Thursday, December 13, 2001

Poor Graham Thorpe. It's bad enough having marriage problems at the best of times, let alone when you're a public figure, and least of all when you're a sportsman due to play a key role for your country in a critical match.

Whatever his particular problems are, England's management are being understanding - interestingly so. For a leading player to receive permission, and by the sound of it, a blessing, to walk out on the eve of a Test match represents a big step into the modern world. Never mind player power - family power has arrived.

Before the tour, the selectors said they fully understood if players chose not to go for family reasons and would not penalise them for that decision. Robert Croft and Andy Caddick chose to let their families' worries prevail over their selection. Their decisions were widely criticised but were far from isolated.

Jonty Rhodes recently became the first recorded case of a star player taking paternity leave, missing an international series because his first child was due. Steve Waugh rented a flat in London so that his pregnant wife and their two children could spend the whole Ashes summer with him. And Nasser Hussain is reported as saying that he can't imagine leaving baby Jacob after he reaches his first birthday.

Once upon a time - in fact very recently - this sort of thing would have been unthinkable. If you were a sportsman at the top of your international tree, you were expected to make sacrifices - within reason, of course. Now it seems that players are able to opt out at will - which has both its good and bad sides.

It's good news that men are taking their family responsibilities seriously. The problem is: where will it end? When do loyalties become impossibly divided? Will Nasser refuse to tour when his son appears in his first nativity play? At what point will selectors consider a player indispensable? It's one of those situations where you just can't make rules.

Meanwhile, naughty goings-on will always be rife. Many sportsmen regard opportunities for one-night stands as a perk of the job, and members of other travelling professions are equally susceptible. It's that lethal combination of opportunity and desire, and spending time away from home means temptation.

When you marry a travelling man you marry their lifestyle too. Wives at home have to learn how to cope. The lucky ones with a rock-solid marriage trust their husbands implicitly. Some wives would rather not know what their husbands get up to; others might suspect, but turn a blind eye; some sit at home and fret. But trust is essential in a marriage and when that's been broken by one partner - as, allegedly, by Thorpe after an affair in New Zealand - you can't blame the other for worrying.

There are some couples for whom lengthy separations are not a problem. Wives establish a life with family and friends while their husbands are away, and when they return the couple can enjoy a revitalised relationship. In fact, one well-known ex-cricketer (who had better remain nameless) attributes his own happy marriage to the fact that the long separations proved positively beneficial! Sadly, though, many more marriages fall by the wayside as the pressure of an on/off relationship takes its toll in bickering and resentment.

How Thorpe resolves his problems and how that affects his future in international cricket is something for him to decide. But one thing's certain: the world is changing. Things ain't what they used to be. Perhaps we're all getting softer - and perhaps that's no bad thing.

Diana Ching is a freelance writer and a keen Hampshire fan.

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