It's all very scientific, mate
Roy Colbert - 27 February 2001

(Two cricket fanatics with their views on the game from their Dunedin sofa).

"Mate, I made a lot of money on that one-dayer in Christchurch."

"We all did, mate. The smart money was always going to be on the series going to five games after they murdered us in the first one. So you took New Zealand to win?"

"Well, not exactly, no. I was listening to the radio commentary while watching the TV - which any sensible follower of the game would do with Glenn Turner doing the radio - and I noticed there is quite a delay between the two signals. I don't understand why, it's very scientific. Now I have this gambling friend whom I don't wish to humiliate, so we'll just call him former TVNZ basketball and softball commentator and prominent Dunedin art gallery owner Marshall 'Mad Dog' Seifert. You know Mad Dog?'

"I know Mad Dog well. The man would bet on two flies climbing a wall."

"He would indeed. In fact I once won three hundred dollars off him betting on that very thing. Mad Dog has never won a sporting bet, ever, but he keeps going back for more."

"As you do."

"Precisely. Anyway, Mad Dog lives out there on the Waitati swamp. Primitive conditions - water seeps through the lounge carpet at high tide, and all the electricity's solar-powered."

"Very scientific."

"He sits there all day staring at the TV, curtains drawn, teeth in a glass, one hand on the phone in a direct line to the TAB. Now I didn't have to be the brightest crayon in the box to realise how to make money in a situation like that. I merely listened to the radio feed, rang Mad Dog and made sure I had my bet on the table before he saw the same thing on his TV. "

"Mate, you must have the reflexes of a cat to move that fast."

"Forty years on the sofa with a remote hasn't been wasted, mate. I can dial a seven-figure number in one motion."

"So you cleaned up?"

"Absolutely I cleaned up. I was printing money."

"Great game."

"Well, great in parts, mate. Pakistan should have been swabbed. I don't think I've ever seen an off-spinner bowl the 50th over on a perfect batting track, tossing in consecutive no-balls so the local boy can reach three figures."

"McMillan did bat magnificently, mate, let's be fair. 104 off 75. That's as good as it gets."

"He did. I don't think we'll see a beard on Macca again. He was much quicker between the wickets with shaved jaw. It's pure physics really. It's very scientific."

"Macca is a very scientific man, mate. I liked everything about his 104. He collected early, he didn't get impatient, and he belted the bejesus off the ball when it counted. I rate him ahead of Tendulkar."

"Way ahead of Tendulkar. How about that Pakistan run chase then?"

"Well I know the Jade Stadium scoreboard had broken down, but they must have had a rough idea what they were chasing. They batted as if they were chasing 35."

"Tuffey has been a pleasant surprise."

"Not to me, mate. Tuffey was born in Milton. He's one of ours."

"Milton? Really? Well, that explains everything. Good on yer Tuffey!"

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