The more you read about the fines, suspended sentences and bans dished out by Mike Denness at Port Elizabeth, the more you wonder whether he spent too much time in the sun before the second Test. Or perhaps his calendar is awry, because mine says April Fools' Day is still five months away. A one-match ban for Virender Sehwag, fines and suspended sentences for Sachin Tendulkar, Sourav Ganguly, Deep Dasgupta, Shiv Sunder Das and Harbhajan Singh. Sehwag is a young kid playing in his second Test and therefore inclined to be over-enthusiastic. He's being sent down on three counts - excessive appealing, charging the umpire with a view to intimidate and foul language.

Sehwag's appeal was no better or worse than any number of similar appeals - from both sides - throughout this series. As for intimidation, I'd be far more worried if a Nantie Hayward or Jacques Kallis got down on their haunches to appeal. Pint-sized Sehwag and intimidation? Banning him for such a trivial offence is like expelling a 10-year-old from school for flying paper planes in class (and many of us got away with that).

Tendulkar is pulled up for ball-tampering - though those of us with less hawk-like vision than Denness saw nothing incriminating on the video footage - and Sehwag for appealing with greater enthusiasm than required. Sehwag gets the ban, making you wonder what the greater offence is. This is as ludicrous as sentencing a man to seven years for petty theft while condemning the grand larcenist to 100 hours of community service. And all this, remember, without a single complaint from the South African side or the umpires.

The Indians do have a reputation for excessive appealing but show us one team that's as pure as snow. Do we give Pollock a pat on the back and a Grammy for his repeated attempts to imitate a tortured soprano? Does the ICC sanction a player wailing like a banshee till the umpire lifts his index finger to save his ear-drums from perforation?

We won't even go into the foul-language issue except to say that some of these South Africans - step forward Messrs Kallis and Nel - should have their mouths washed out with carbolic soap. The whole episode smacks of the playground bully steering well clear of the big boys and then stealing the little-un's milk money.

Denness appears to be saying that intimidating the umpire is a more serious offence than a part-time bowler tampering with the ball. Don't be surprised then if you see the occasional trundlers come out armed with bottle caps and shaving blades from now on.

The sentence handed out to Das is even more laughable. His original sin? Dissent after being given out leg-before to Pollock in the first innings. What I saw was a batsman staring in disbelief at the umpire, unable to fathom how he hadn't seen or heard the thickest of inside edges. There were no histrionics and certainly no expletives to compare with Andre Nel.

As an ex-Test player, Denness should know that things in the middle happen so fast that you react instinctively. Even in the park on a Sunday, the infielders tend to go up in a trice the moment they hear a remotely woody sound. And if Das was such a loudmouth, he would certainly have created a scene when given a shocking decision in the first innings

Jacques Kallis took a bump catch off Ganguly in the recent one-day series. Jonty Rhodes got Sachin in spectacular fashion - grounding the ball in the process - in Durban four years ago. Should they be banned in retrospect for cheating?

The final cut is the most painful. Ganguly is censured for not controlling his team. If Denness had been allowed to roam free, Allan Border and his Ugly Aussies would never have played a game. I don't recall anyone controlling Merv Hughes or Craig McDermott. Chances are that if someone like Denness had tried, he would have been cuffed from here to Toowomba.

It's about time match referees (you too, Cammie Smith) understood that their job is akin to that of the assistant stage manager in a theatre production - to be done quietly and efficiently. Denness's performance at the press conference was more like an elderly rock star, with his bored glances at the sky and dismissive "I can't answer that" replies. All that was missing was some dark glasses and slicked-back hair.

At their relaunch in October, the ICC promised to get tough. If this is what they mean, God help us. Players' careers are at stake here. And is accountability a word that applies just to the players? What about umpires who come out with poor decisions - Javed Akhtar costing South Africa a series for example - and match referees who go off the rails?

The moment match officials get delusions of grandeur, we're in trouble. Big heap, as the native Americans might have said, pointing to the bison trail.

Dileep Premachandran is assistant editor, Wisden.com India.

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